Archive for October, 2011

Learning to talk

Posted: October 18, 2011 in Personal Moment

As most of you know, Wheeler and I have been staying with my family for about the past 9 months which has been a true blessing in many, many ways but as you might imagine, it has also presented many challenges as well… most of which have ended up being a need for heart change on my part.  One of the things that has been a struggle for me this week especially, is the desire to have a home of my own again… I know that sounds really shallow and maybe a little silly but as is always the case, there are other things that float under the surface of every struggle. For instance, I am a planner and I love to plan but in order to plan you must have certain factors that you can reasonably assume will be constant in the future and to be honest for us, all factors are variable at the moment and as you might guess this grates against my very nature. Which means that is probably the point of my current circumstance… So what do I do? Well for the most part I whine… not really out loud but in my heart, where no one can hear me but God… then I feel guilty about whining because in truth, a house is just a house and I know that if I am to have one again, God has the right one in the right time and that is what’s best because He is soverign. So if I know this, why can’t I just accept what I know to be true and move on? Isn’t the point of the Christian life to learn what God is teaching you and NOT complain when you are suffering? Well, maybe… It occured to me as I was thinking on these things that maybe the point is not JUST to learn lessons about patience and perserverence so we can move on to the next lesson but maybe its more about getting closer to God and that’s how you learn the lessons…and the way you really get closer to someone is talking to them especially when the circumstances are difficult. Some of the best growing times in my marriage are the hard ones because Wheeler and I talk each other through it… if we didn’t talk about it then the hard times would drive us apart instead of bring us together. So my point is that maybe this circumstance of living in limbo is to teach me to talk to God about every wave of frustration or sadness or longing and not necessarily for me to stop whining and pretend like they don’t bother me because then I’m not really learning patience, I’m just learning hypocrisy… This world is fallen and I am a fallen, broken person and its ok to not be ok with that but instead of letting my frustrations consume me, I should turn them into conversations with my Heavenly Father who delights to hear me and delights to carry me through all my circumstances and the emotions that come with them. Maybe that’s how we actually learn to be peaceful and patient in all circumstances… not by irradicating our feelings but when they crash over us we just keep bringing them to the feet of God and each time we unload on Him, He subtly replaces our burdens with peace just like we always feel so much better after we’ve talked about something to a spouse or a close friend. So I guess my junk is that I whine too much but the perspective is that the throne of God is the best place to unload my junk… I hope that makes sense to someone out there. 🙂

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Fragility

Posted: October 11, 2011 in Personal Moment, Teachable Moment

Well, its been about a month since I have been able to write and it has been filled with many things to think about… mostly centered around the fragility of this thing we call our lives. This past weekend was one of the most miserable I have had in a long time… I was in bed for two days with a horrible sore throat and fever that left me constantly tossing and turning in fitful attempts to sleep and muscles that ached so much I wanted to cry. I couldn’t talk to anyone, I missed my husband and kids more than I could bear and as we all do when we are feeling the effects of a fallen world, I whined constantly to God about how this was miserably unfair and why did I have to be suffering right now when there were so many things to do bla, bla, bla… Interesting how quickly I loose perspective.

Then yesterday as I was beginning to recover from my many ailments, I got an e-mail about an Uncle of mine who is battling thyroid cancer and has recieved some bad news regarding his condition. The e-mail was from my Aunt and even though our families have not been close over the years, the tone of her words as she tried to sound hopeful about her husbands condition rippled the waves of my soul and made me suddenly feel very ashamed at the pettiness of my attitude toward God in my own small and very minor suffering. Here is a woman who has been married to a man for almost 30 years, they have had 5 children together, two of which are not out of highschool yet and now she is suddenly faced with the very real possibility of walking alone. Twenty years ago when she was my age, the thought never would have crossed her mind. Then I thought about my father-in-law who is also facing a battle with colon cancer and my mother-in-law who is dealing with many of the same things as my aunt… Then I thought of my own dad who deals with chronic back pain and another aunt that is dealing with a chronic condition and the list kept going on and on in my head of the many people who are in very real pain. Its something that I already know but I very easily loose sight of and when I do, I loose sight of the fact that God is bigger than this fallen world and all of the circumstances in it… my focus should be on who He is and not where I am.

So my junk is that I have a tendency to be very self focused and I am also kind of a whimp…  my whining made me realize how much I still hang my “happiness” on my circumstances… The e-mail from my aunt and thinking about all the people life who are suffering reminded me just how fragile those circumstances are and if I could talk my eyes off myself and put them on the Lord I might be able to really see other people and pray for them and be there for them and love them.  As I sit here now and let this perspective soak in, I feel like the best thing to do is pray… for real and not just for me… Love deeply and don’t take a moment for granted because each one is a very beautiful but fragile gift.