Learning to talk

Posted: October 18, 2011 in Personal Moment

As most of you know, Wheeler and I have been staying with my family for about the past 9 months which has been a true blessing in many, many ways but as you might imagine, it has also presented many challenges as well… most of which have ended up being a need for heart change on my part.  One of the things that has been a struggle for me this week especially, is the desire to have a home of my own again… I know that sounds really shallow and maybe a little silly but as is always the case, there are other things that float under the surface of every struggle. For instance, I am a planner and I love to plan but in order to plan you must have certain factors that you can reasonably assume will be constant in the future and to be honest for us, all factors are variable at the moment and as you might guess this grates against my very nature. Which means that is probably the point of my current circumstance… So what do I do? Well for the most part I whine… not really out loud but in my heart, where no one can hear me but God… then I feel guilty about whining because in truth, a house is just a house and I know that if I am to have one again, God has the right one in the right time and that is what’s best because He is soverign. So if I know this, why can’t I just accept what I know to be true and move on? Isn’t the point of the Christian life to learn what God is teaching you and NOT complain when you are suffering? Well, maybe… It occured to me as I was thinking on these things that maybe the point is not JUST to learn lessons about patience and perserverence so we can move on to the next lesson but maybe its more about getting closer to God and that’s how you learn the lessons…and the way you really get closer to someone is talking to them especially when the circumstances are difficult. Some of the best growing times in my marriage are the hard ones because Wheeler and I talk each other through it… if we didn’t talk about it then the hard times would drive us apart instead of bring us together. So my point is that maybe this circumstance of living in limbo is to teach me to talk to God about every wave of frustration or sadness or longing and not necessarily for me to stop whining and pretend like they don’t bother me because then I’m not really learning patience, I’m just learning hypocrisy… This world is fallen and I am a fallen, broken person and its ok to not be ok with that but instead of letting my frustrations consume me, I should turn them into conversations with my Heavenly Father who delights to hear me and delights to carry me through all my circumstances and the emotions that come with them. Maybe that’s how we actually learn to be peaceful and patient in all circumstances… not by irradicating our feelings but when they crash over us we just keep bringing them to the feet of God and each time we unload on Him, He subtly replaces our burdens with peace just like we always feel so much better after we’ve talked about something to a spouse or a close friend. So I guess my junk is that I whine too much but the perspective is that the throne of God is the best place to unload my junk… I hope that makes sense to someone out there. 🙂

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