Fear of Being Known

Posted: February 15, 2013 in Personal Moment
Tags: , , , , , ,

Today I am going to be candid and confess that I have a great many fears.  They range from an irrational fear of creepy crawly things to a very real fear of losing the people I love the most, but somewhere in the top 10 list of things I fear is the fear of being known.

For the last ten years or so my husband and I have loosely attended a couple of churches but primarily we have kept the people in them at an arm’s length due to a myriad of bad past experiences. In these years we have learned to feed ourselves spiritually by listening to audio studies produced by organizations like Denton Bible, Breakaway and The Village Church. Our fellowship with believers has primarily revolved around our families and through this we have been sustained and safe.

However, in recent months we have felt the conviction to reconnect ourselves to the larger body of Christ. This of course, means that we can no longer just float on the outskirts of a church, we need to find a body of believers that we are willing to invest in.   In the last four weeks my husband and I have endeavored to find such a church home for our family and I must confess that at times my fear of being known has almost overwhelmed me to the point of running away.

My past experience with church is steeped in legalism. In most cases it manifested itself as a very subtle social pressure and in other cases it was quite explicit but either way, I never measured up and I lived in constant fear of losing approval. I was never myself and always strove to be like whoever was the most spiritually acceptable person in the group, which meant I was never really known by anyone. This was my own fault and it was a disservice not only to myself but to all those who were around me.

Now my struggle is to not repeat the mistakes of the past.  My value is not found in how people see me or in my own attempts at awesomeness, it is found in the fact that I am a child of the King, redeemed and blameless. It is this truth that allows me to be known without fear and to love without reservation or expectation.  So the point of this post is really to just be honest and maybe by being honest I will inspire others to do the same. After all, there is no way to confront a fear unless you acknowledge that it is there in first place.

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Comments
  1. Thanks for sharing this and being honest. I know how you feel, I’ve had bad church experiences too. The church I go to now is the most “home-y” church I’ve ever been to. Second to that was my church in college. I love being a part of a church family! I hope you find that church family too. ❤

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