Death of a Girl

Posted: March 8, 2013 in Personal Moment
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

On a typical morning I sat sipping my coffee and staring blankly out the window. My children ran wildly around the kitchen table and the question running through my mind was “How did I get here? I am in my pajamas at 10:00 in the morning, I haven’t brushed my teeth or my hair and I am surrounded by wild monkeys disguised as human beings… What happened?”

I then began to retrace the steps of my life and in my head I could see an idealistic girl just out of high school with romantic dreams of getting married, starting a family and being a perfect mother of perfect children. I was going to be in control; not like all the crazy mothers I saw at Walmart and everyone would look to me for wisdom and advice.

Then I flashed forward to reality and realized I am the crazy mom at Walmart. Life has long put to death that young, delusional girl in so many ways and that fact begs the question… Do I wish things were different? Do I wish that girl of so long ago was right about everything and still alive somewhere inside of me?

I think almost every mom comes to this place. It’s the place where we must either decide to embrace the journey of becoming a woman or spend our life mourning the loss of a girl we thought would live forever. Every day I spend with my kids, I am convinced that motherhood is a tool that God uses to change us from little girls who think they are always right and can somehow control everything, into women who know that only God is right and we can control nothing. Please do not misunderstand me to say that in becoming women we should lose our sense of fun or passion for life. However, I think it is safe to say that there is much foolishness in our youth that God means to put to death on the battlefields of motherhood and if we are wise we will let Him do it no matter how painful it can be at times.

So for me, the answer to the question “Do I wish things were different?” is no. The girl that I was, with my unrealistic ideals and desperate need to be seen as perfect, is not the person I was meant to be forever; that girl was meant to die so that a woman could be born. And the good news is that the woman I am today is not the woman I will be 10 years from now… God isn’t done with me yet and the little monkey children running around my kitchen table are His gifts to me not because they are easy but because they wreak havoc in the areas of my life that no one else can get to. This is what gives life depth and beauty even though it is much harder than it was before. Quiet moments are not just empty spaces to fill with more activity, they are little pieces of heaven; People are no longer an audience I must perform for, but partners in a journey; Prayer is not just an abstract idea, but the essential element of daily survival, and on I could go…

So what about all the other moms out there? Do you wish you could go back to the girl you were or can you see a depth to the woman you are becoming that far outshines your youth? If I had to guess, I bet you are more beautiful now than you have ever been… even in your pajamas. 

1 Corinthians 13:10-12

  1. Dad says:

    Ah Sanctification has come into clear view for my little girl. Yes you are a wonderful woman but you will always be your Daddy’s little girl. Your Father in heaven loves you and is clearly with you as He gives you insight into his refining process for Holiness called Sanctification which is changing you into His image for His glory! His light is truly in you as you help others through your words; let the pen fly!


  2. You just made me cry! Am a follower now. What I read were words filled with so much love and passion. As your dad said, let the pen fly! I think you have done it well!
    Thanks for being the mom and perfect woman your children needs. My baby is still 10 months, but she did changed my life totally! Cheers!

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