Rules – Relationship = Rebellion

My mother is a very wise old woman and one of the many great sayings she has passed on to me over the years is “Rules without relationship equals rebellion.” To be truthful, I never really thought much about the meaning of that statement until recent days, but as my husband and I desperately strive to find the balance in cultivating good relationships with our children while also disciplining them effectively it has taken on a new depth.

In the Scriptures we are given lots of commands regarding God’s desire and plan for our lives. Some people see these commands as protection and a source of life, but most people see them as outdated and restrictive. So what makes the difference between the two perspectives? Relationship. People who have a relationship with Jesus Christ do not see the Bible as simply a collection of irrelevant, oppressive rules, but as a love letter from their Father. It’s a narrative that reveals the very nature of God and His design for a most beloved creation. However, for those who do not know the author, they simply discard whatever words do not suit them and live a life of rebellion against the God of the universe as though He doesn’t even exist. Rules without relationship equals rebellion.

This same principle can be applied to us as parents. When we are all about the rules in order to manage the chaos of life and not much about cultivating relationships that can withstand the chaos, then we lose the heart of our kids. This is something I fear more than death itself. If I make my kids behave the way I want them to, but never get to their heart what have I gained? However, as much as this question haunts me, the fact remains that it is much easier to enforce a rule than it is to spend time engaging the heart of my children. Thus is the battle between what I should do and what the weakness of my flesh wants to do. It is a battle that often leaves me feeling hopeless, inadequate and exhausted. However, I would like to share an example from my past that always reminds me of how important it is to keep fighting and I hope it will encourage all my fellow parents out there to not give up either.

Once upon a time when I was somewhere around 15 years old I wanted to do something really stupid. I had been homeschooled all of my life and had just started working at McDonald’s. I was young, innocent and fresh meat to a crew full of teenage boys hopped up on hormones. It was these teenage boys who invited me to go on a road trip with them and a group of friends to Galveston for the weekend. I wanted go so badly! I was high on all the attention I was getting from a bunch of cute boys and felt this was a good time to spread my wings and fly. So I asked my dad if I could go. Instead of simply saying no, my dad took me out for ice cream at an old Dairy Queen Restaurant to discuss the matter. After we got our frozen treats we sat down and he patiently listened to me divulge all the reasons why I felt it was reasonable for him to let me go on the road trip. Looking back, that must have been absolutely painful for him to listen to but listen he did. After I had made my air tight case for going to Galveston with a group of teenage boys that were practically total strangers, my Dad very respectfully laid out all of the reasons why he felt it was not a good idea for me to go. Of course, in all of my 15 year old maturity, I disagreed with him. We went back and forth for a bit until my dad finally said to me “Angela, I know you cannot see my perspective and you think I am being ridiculous but I am asking you to trust me. I have taken care of you your whole life and I am asking you to trust that I am looking out for you even when you can’t see exactly where I am coming from.” He wasn’t angry with me and even though he had every right to appeal to his authority as my father, he appealed to his relationship with me instead and I have never forgotten that.

Needless to say, I didn’t go to the beach that weekend and now that I have two daughters of my own, I look back on this story and thank God for my Dad’s steadfast protection. The relationship that he built with me allowed me to trust him as a person even when his rules didn’t make sense to my young mind. This is what drives me to keep fighting for my relationship with my kids; so that when push comes to shove and obeying the rules can mean the difference between life and destruction, they know who I am as a person and they know that I am always looking out for their ultimate good. This is how it is with God and this is how I as a parent demonstrate the reality of God to my kids. So no matter how much I fail, I will keep walking in the direction of relationship, because in the end nothing matters more than God becoming real to the little souls that He has entrusted me with.

Screwtape Writes Again: A Perspective on Homosexuality

Since today is the first day that the Supreme Court will begin hearings regarding the issue of “marriage equality” I felt it was appropriate to re-post a blog I wrote on the subject last year… I know it is a bit long but I hope everyone will take a moment to read it, think about it and maybe challenge themselves to re-examine their world view in the light of Scripture.

Last Friday night I saw a theatrical presentation of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. It was a conscience wrenching, powerful performance and it has inspired me to talk about an issue that is probably the most controversial in our culture today… Homosexuality. I have long hesitated to address the topic on my blog, not only because of its polarizing nature, but also because there is a horrific tendency by those of us who oppose homosexuality to view those who practice it as the enemies. This is not so. Satan is our enemy and homosexuality is merely another device he uses to rob the human soul of the joy and satisfaction it was created for. In fact, I think it is worth pointing out that heterosexual promiscuity is an equal rejection of God’s design for sexuality and our acceptance of these practices is the foundation for where we are today with homosexuality. Everything from pre-marital sex and co-habitation to pornography, it all screams that we do not believe that there is a God who cares what we do. All sin is an equal rejection of God’s boundaries… A man who has a problem with pride or anger is the same as the man who is a homosexual and both men are the same as me… a sinner with a whole bunch of problems that God desperately desires to redeem. I hope everyone will keep that in mind as I proceed.

There are two reasons that I have decided to write about the subject… The first is because as a mom, it is painfully apparent that my children are growing fast and it will not be long before they are asking me questions to which I must have a good response. I want to encourage all you other moms out there to take a stance on what you believe with your kids because if you don’t, someone else will undoubtedly seize the opportunity provided by your silence. The second reason is that C.S. Lewis boldly challenged the moral culture of his day in writing the Screwtape Letters and I feel that homosexuality is a moral question to which too few people are willing to offer a biblical answer. To be clear, I do not believe the question should be whether homosexuality should receive the same privileges as heterosexual marriage, but rather is homosexuality just an alternative lifestyle or is it in fact a wrong use of sexuality that God has condemned as destructive to his most precious creation? If you answer that question, then it is easy to determine whether a society should sanction or fight against such behavior. Let us remember, however, that the fight is NOT AGAINST the people who practice homosexuality but FOR the people who practice homosexuality. We are fighting FOR the freedom of their souls and against the lust that has enslaved them.

I believe in the God of the Bible and I believe that He loved us so much that He gave us boundaries so we could live in true freedom the life he has given us on this earth. It’s just like a good father sets boundaries for his children so that they are as safe as they are free. These boundaries are the things we call right and wrong and their existence is most obviously demonstrated by the person who says there is no such thing. If you were to harm this person or steal something from him, he will automatically recoil in horror and demand retribution, thus acknowledging that there is wrong and you have done it. God created sexual pleasure and it is ours to enjoy within His boundaries and design. In Romans 1:26-27 homosexuality is clearly described as against this design and I therefore believe it is not only wrong but will ultimately prove harmful to those who practice it no matter what the media or popular culture may say to the contrary. If God is a good father who sets boundaries because He loves us, then you can be sure that the things he says are wrong will somehow ravage our souls whether now or later. Both heterosexual and homosexual promiscuity are forms of insatiable lust and lust will destroy the soul it feasts upon no matter the object or the method of its pursuit.

So as a mom, I would encourage you to be bold and teach your children that homosexuality and heterosexual promiscuity is wrong because God did not design us to work that way. But what should we teach them to do with that belief? I say teach them the golden rule. Treat others how you would want to be treated because you are just as bad a sinner as anyone else. God treats us in this way despite our wretchedness; it is His patient love that woos our souls unto Him and changes us from the inside out. He does not condone sin and neither should we, but we can be certain that He is able to handle the sin in His own children and He does not need our help to do it. So teach them to cling to truth but love those who have not found it because God does the same with us as we struggle in our own sins. So now that I have gone on quite long enough on this difficult subject, I have written my own Screwtape letter to offer a bit more perspective. I hope everyone will at least be willing to listen and take away the idea that there really is a design for us and it is born from love, for our protection not our misery.

My Dear Orexis,
It is my sincerest hope that you will be more successful with your new patient than your cousin Wormwood was with his. Of course you are well aware of the fate he suffered for his failures, so I advise you to take extra care that you do not follow in his miserable footsteps. I am, however, most delighted to hear that you have already spotted a most advantageous struggle within your new subject… It is that of sexual preference. I see that he is already quite immersed in pornography, but as our father below has so designed it, he is beginning to lust for more and is now ready to be introduced to a new outlet for his desires. Oh this is most delightful!! As with all things embedded in the sinful nature of humans all you need to do is encourage what is already there and get them to go as far as you can without looking to see where they are going. I also see from your letter that he is a student at the local high school… All the better! As you know, our father below has already forged a very successful campaign against the education system. Everything is considered relative now and we have convinced even some of the most intelligent to believe that there are no standards for right and wrong, it’s really just a matter of whatever makes them happy. Use this to your advantage. Encourage him to indulge his curiosity under the guise of exploring his sexuality or trying to find his happiness by finding himself. You and I both know that our enemy has designed these humans to only truly find themselves in Him, which makes the pursuit of finding oneself in oneself absolutely fruitless but this is what we want!! The longer we can keep him chasing empty promises of happiness, the longer we can keep him from finding the truth and that, my dear Orexis, is something you must avoid at all costs. We have successfully convinced the majority of the world that truth does not even exist, but it does indeed exist and you must never EVER let your subject find it or he might be freed from our grasp forever! I don’t need to remind you what will be done to you if that were to happen.

Now as you convince your subject to satisfy his growing lust in sexual activity with the same sex, there will be the inevitable matter of guilt that will begin to creep into his conscience; you must convince him that this is just because society has imposed their bigotry on his sexual freedom. This guilt, of course, is a weapon that our enemy uses to whisper to the human soul that they were designed for better things. Silence this whisper at all costs and make sure your subject remains unaware that there is a design or purpose for his life at all. A purposeless being feels under no obligation to do anything that does not please him and he then becomes obsessed with the pursuit of pleasure which as we discussed earlier will never come to him. If he becomes depressed, send him to one of our psychologists… they will condemn the feelings of guilt as low self-esteem or something to that effect and put him on some very useful medications so that he continue on this journey of “sexual exploration”. Now, I understand from your letters that his parents are in fact Christians, which is very disconcerting, but you say that he and his father have a hard time understanding one another. Use that to alienate the boy from any influence they might have. Destruction of that insidious thing called “the family” is always of utmost importance. The family was of course designed by our enemy to be a protective structure for humans, particularly women and children and it is what all societies are built on…. So if the very idea of strong families is done away with as bigoted and obsolete then the society itself becomes weak and is practically ours for the taking!!!

So let us review your course of action for your new patient… (1) Encourage his sexual exploration as natural and merely a pursuit of happiness. (2) Erase any idea of truth or right or wrong. (3) Keep his family from having any influence in his life as this is always poisonous to our purposes. (4) Never let him see that the pleasure he is chasing will never satisfy his lust. (5) Always reiterate to his mind that there is no God with a design or purpose for his life and anyone who says differently is bigoted and a hate monger. If you successfully do these things you will effectively enslave your patient’s soul to an endless pursuit of pleasures that will never satisfy. He is in fact deeply loved by our enemy who designed him for freedom, but if you do your work well he will die enslaved to his lust and never know what he missed until it is too late.

Your Affectionate Uncle,
Screwtape

If you are interested in seeing the theatrical version of the Screwtape Letters I highly recommend the one put on by the Fellowship For The Performing Arts http://www.screwtapeonstage.com/

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